


Red Silver

by BrightDarkness_2013



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-11 06:20:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5616730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrightDarkness_2013/pseuds/BrightDarkness_2013
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The red color was lovely. Flowing so gently. A soothing, bending stream. I knew it was a risk, but it gave me back my emotions. It let me feel Something.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The red color was lovely. Flowing so gently. A soothing, bending stream. Licking slowly down in the most loving way. I felt so much better. I needed this. I looked forward to this. It was so simple compared to everything else. No one else was here to judge me. No one to speak about me like I wasn't there. No conversations no one even tried to prevent me from hearing. Just a calming motion and soothing breathing with just the slightest hitch. I felt alive. More alive than I had felt in so long. Why hadn't I thought of this before? So simple. The color red.

The color red and a nice shiny blade. A shiny new blade now bathed in the color of love and lust. Red was a beautiful color. Gorgeous, but only when it was fresh and flowing. After word it turned into an ugly brown. Crimson words overflowing on ivory flesh making them pop. So beautiful. I bit my lip at the next cut as adrenaline coursed through me in the signal that was being transferred from my skin to my brain within a fraction of a second. So fast. The next section to the truth becoming apart of me. The next part of the next letter of the next word to spell out the truth of who I was.

Evil. Cruel. Pervert. Abomination. Disgusting. Ugly. Worthless. Monster.

I had easily run out of space so I had to retrace them. I'd switch off from one arm to the other each time I felt the need. The need seemed to be occurring more and more often. One arm held one set of words and the other the rest of them. I had to write on both of them one day. I knew it was a risk, but it gave me back my emotions. It let me feel Something. I shuddered and removed the blade as to not ruin the perfect truth I had made with my steady, trained hand, but it was quickly set back on to continue it's progress.

I hardly needed my coffee anymore. This woke me up plenty. A nice adrenaline rush. Being the only real doctor with an actual degree got quite tiring. All the paperwork and no one seemed to care how exhausted I was. No one cared that I slept here in my chair in my office most of the time or how I had made it a habit of forgetting to eat. No one cared to learn to heal. Those medicine men and women knew nothing of doctoring or science. They could only handle cuts and bruises and minor illness. I tried to teach them, but they just wouldn't take advice from a monster like me. Well if they wanted a monster I'd just have to give them one, one of these days.

"Mmmm…"

I drew in a breath through my nose and let it out as a sigh. I felt calmer already. In control. I could do this. I could put my mask back on for a while longer. If I could just finish these last few letters. Just a few more. Just a few more and I would have control again. I'd be ok. S. I licked at the sweat that had taken form under my nose. T. I shuddered again if ever so slightly. E. One more. I drew in another breath. Rrrrr.

I set the stained blade on the desk. My head fell back as I relished in the signals that stung and burned. The ones that reminded me that I was Alive. I let the blood run as I reached into the drawer to my left through muscle memory and pulled out the small medical kit.

I was in control.  
\----------------------  
Personally I didn't know nor care what was going on this time. All that was going on was people being hurt in ways that the medicine men and women could not handle and I was running from one end of the hospital to the other all day. From the crack of dawn to just before midnight or after it. Depending if paperwork could be slipped in or not. I could feel my stomach clench painfully as my breathing became more labored once again. Exhaustion, malnutrition, and exercise was never a good combination. For some reason the 'royal' family had taken an interest in one of the patients. Always coming in and asking about him. Always looking for updates. Why? No clue. I really didn't want to involve myself in their affairs so I gave them the information they desired as long as it didn't violate any agreements of sorts.

I gazed upon the paperwork on my desk top. For a while I just stood there. Just staring it down like that would make it go away. But eventually I had to. Just standing there I would accomplish nothing. So I fell back into the chair I had spent the night in so many times before and started to sift through what was there. Looking for the most important cases to start on. Hopefully I'd get to see a decent portion of the desktop today. And so I went to work.

Each file or paper sorted, looked over, signed, or likewise was dropped heavily to the left side of my chair where I had designated as the 'finished' side. I glanced at the clock at some point during the furious paperwork war. A war that I was losing since no matter how much I cleared twice as much seemed to pop up in it's place. 11:46. I looked back at my desk. I sighed. I think I deserved a reward for what I've been doing 'by myself'. Some relief so I could relax. The space was large enough.

I opened the second drawer down on the left and pulled out the scalpel and the bit of stained cloth. Placing the cloth on the empty space I rolled up my sleeves. Which one…? The truth on my right arm appeared to be fading to my eyes. I hadn't touched it in several days as I was better with writing with the right. Evil. Cruel. Pervert. Abomination.

The long word that seemed to dance along the upper half of my inner arm called to me. Abomination. Evil, Cruel, and Pervert sitting neatly underneath it. So grasping the blade in my left hand I set it on the A near my wrist. Slowly I began my quiet work. No. Not work. My past time. The past time that grounded me when I started to lose myself. I needed this. Each letter I carefully redrew brought me closer and closer to who I was. Closer to the emotion I lost when I wore the 'good doctor' mask through the long day. I chew on my lip as I focused on carefully tracing the words that I had so carefully place and replace over and over again. For fear of ruining the perfection. The truth… I needed it. I needed this ritual. Each letter needed to be reset on the canvas that was my skin or I would forget it.

My left hand was shakier so I was always so scared as one wrong move and the perfection would be tainted. Which was why I was so hesitant at writing on my right arm. But it needed to be done before it faded.

The bright crimson put me at ease. Woke me up, but at the same time seemed to drag in a cloud of sleepiness after a while. Lack of blood paired with my work caused ailments. Once I finished I looked up at my work with a dull sense of pride. Still perfect. I watched the beautiful crimson overflow the lines for a moment before I went to work cleaning up.

There was a rather annoying sound at the corner of my consciousness. A noise which I struggled to block out as it persisted. A very familiar beeping. When it finally faded away relief was what I recognized before sleep claimed be once more. I jolted away at the rough shake what felt like not even a moment later.

"Whale."

"What?" I asked irritably as I rubbed at my eyes with my left hand.

I took a moment to focus my gaze as it blurred before me for a moment. Ruby, Emma, and her father. Two royals and their pet dog. No. She helped me. I shouldn't think that way. Saving me from a watery grave was something I owed her for so not calling her a pet or a dog may be a good start even if it's just in my head. My mind was starting up slower than usual as it tried to pick out why they were here. Were they distressed in any way? Slightly. Ruby more so for whatever reason as she looked around the paper filled room I called my office… Was she sniffing or was that just the way my vision was wavering? So something serious happened then? Emma's lips were moving, but I hadn't realized she was talking…

"What?" I inquired with much less force. "Run that by me again."

"For the love of-" She grasped my doctors coat and practically dragged me along. "Would you wake up? John can't breath!"

John? I took a moment. Oh wait…. Was he that flying monkey? My thoughts were becoming clearer as I felt the truth I had made a part of me tug at my flesh. I was trying to catch up with myself when I was shoved in front of the supposed patient. Was he the monkey? His lips were taking on a bluish tint. His breathing was an uneven wheeze and I had to wonder what had happened. Wait… Why hadn't they told me anything? Wait, did they?

"Well?!"

"Huh? What happened to him?"

"What the hell is wrong with you?! His lips are turning blue and you're asking what happened?! We don't know! Do something Doctor!"

I tried to ignore the slight curl that appeared on the blonde's lips when she referred to me.

"Does he have any open wounds?"

"No!"

"Ok, ok."

I scratched at my right arm. No open wounds and he couldn't breathe. It probably had something to do with blunt force trauma. Something must have gotten broken or knocked where it shouldn't have. So broken ribs maybe and quite possibly a collapsed lung. But there was no time to just stand here and try and pinpoint anything. So grabbing the nearest blade I ordered them around to fetch things which they did without question. I cut open the t-shirt and sure enough it looked like some broken ribs. Some bruising was forming around the affected area. Once I was finally done with the complex work that I probably shouldn't have been doing at the moment I fell back in the nearest chair.

"So, he'll be ok?"

"Go get a nurse. Someone needs to stay here and monitor his breathing."

I ran my left hand over my face tiredly. Whatever autopilot I had been on was fading away.

"So? He's ok now?" David or Prince Charming or whatever he was called now spoke much calmer which I was glad for over Emma's loud demands.

"He should be if he stays down and doesn't do anything that could move anything back out of place."

They seemed satisfied with that answer. There was silence for a time as they seemed to want to wait for Emma to come back before they went anywhere.

"... So have you been working with blood?" Ruby spoke after a minute.

"It's a hospital, Ruby. There's blood everywhere no matter how much you clean up especially in this town."

"Oh. Right." She seemed to be thinking as she looked me over. "Feeling ok?"

Well that was a first. No one bothered to ask no matter how down or tired I looked. I let my eyes close again.

"No."

I was running ragged. Working off fumes. What do you think? How about you try running an entire hospital by yourself? No. Stop. She's the only one who bothered to ask. Don't freaking ruin whatever understanding you made with her that night.

"Sorry. I haven't slept in a while."

"Haven't been home in awhile either."

"Che. What gave it away?" It was meant to be sarcastic, but all I managed was deadpanned tone.

The door opened and the click of heels sounded. I drew in a breath as I stood.

"Watch him. If anything weird happens with his breathing tell me. Such as a repeating hitch or unusual cough."

I headed out and back to my office. If someone needed me they'd just have to grow a backbone and seek me out themselves. Besides I needed another stress relieving session with myself.


	2. Chapter 2

It was a few days since the case of the broken monkey incident and he was recovering pretty nicely if I may add. He was actually doing as we asked unlike that pirate we had to help along with the outsider that day. I had run into Jefferson when I went home by some miracle only to come back the next day due to some idiot breaking his leg. And I Almost had an actual day off. Seemed like most incidents began with 'my brother in law dared me to...' 'I got this new thing and I...' or it had something to do with whatever the royals had involved themselves into this time.

Anyway apparently he was finally reconnecting with Grace and he needed to tell someone about it. I congratulated the hatter and he made a comment that I looked kind of sick. I waved the topic off, reassuring that I was fine and we went our separate ways. We may have kind of known each other before the curse, but he only did the transporting of Rumplestiltskin and myself due to whatever payment that dark imp was giving him. It wasn't like we knew each other personally so I found speaking with him a little uncomfortable like I did everyone else really.

Funny. My cursed self was a social ace and a whore and Victor was a socially awkward college ace( Original Book by Mary Shelley reference, read it for Gothic lit class) who never looked at a women in such a way. Complete one eighty. I sighed as I looked at the clock like I needed permission from it before I dug in the drawer for the blade again. I turned it over in my hands before I wet the stained cloth with a water bottle to clean the blade a little better. I turned it over a few more times before I began my work.

Disgusting. Ugly. Worthless. Monster.

I smiled at the words imprinted on my left arm. The first letters always seemed to be the deepest. Always scarring better than the rest. I guess I'd have to even it out a little bit. I couldn't have the truth be tainted by such a small thing that I could easily fix. I was always fixing everyone else so fixing myself was easy enough. I could easily tell what the problem was when it was me. I could feel it. I couldn't feel anyone elses pain. Just my own.

The burning and stinging that I was so familiar with filled me with warmth. A comfort that I had failed to get from my family or acquaintances. After all I didn't have friends. Evil monsters didn't get that luxury. I squirmed slightly in my chair at the joy I got from seeing that I was evening out my lovely- the door opened.

"Hey Ruby told me that- Holy shit!"

I felt the blade get torn from my grasp, the door was closed again, thank God. Jefferson had dropped whatever he had brought in with him. He was applying pressure with the already stained cloth I had used so many times before. Just what was he doing here? And interrupting my stress relief session?

"What the Hell, Victor?!"

Victor. Hadn't heard that name in a while. Everyone seemed to be much more comfortable with Whale, the pervert over the mad scientist. He must be here to make sure the only real doctor didn't keel over due to illness. If I played this right… then this wouldn't happen again if I was careful. Damn people. Getting in my way. They say they want me dead and then when I go to do it they stop me. They say they hate me and they freak out when I do drastic things. I do something I like to do and they think I'm nuts.

"J-Jefferson, I- I-"

"Just shut up and tell me where there's a damn first aid kit!"

"Um- I-" I looked away. "Left side. First drawer."

He checked it quickly. "Not here."

"Second then." If I feigned not knowing the exact location then it would seem like I hadn't done my sessions as often as I did.

He tried that one and the first aid kit I used so many times before was pulled out. Freshly restocked as per usual. Things were quiet as he firmly cleaned and wrapped my unfinished session. Once done he just stared me down as I kept my gaze anywhere but him. Feigning that I was ashamed now.

"You're cutting." He stated.

I just nodded, still not looking at him.

"How long?"

"Well... I'm trying to stop… I just…"

He sighed in an exasperated manner. "Just what are you doing to yourself? What were those words exactly?"

"The… the truth…"

"Truth? Oh God you don't actually believe-" He began and I shifted to hold my unfinished arm. "you do. What are they saying it you?" It was more of an indirect question as he knew, but I answered anyway.

"Usual..."

"Look at me... Vic. Look at me."

I glanced up, but quickly looked away.

"You can't keep doing this. You should know better than anyone the health risks."

"I'm trying to stop." I repeated quietly.

"... When exactly did you start?"

"I don't do it as often as I did." I lied softly.

"When." I stayed silent. "Talk to me, Vic. I can't help you if you don't talk."

"Not long after everyone learned who I was. I think."

"How often do you do this?"

"Whenever things get to be too much."

"And how often is that?"

"Usually three or four times a week."

"For the love of…" He ran a hand over his face.

"Please don't tell anyone." He looked up at me. "People will think I'm even crazier if the word spreads. I don't think I could take it if things get worse."

"Depends... I'm afraid to ask. How often did you do it before?"

"I… Well… A lot."

"Give me a range here. Five times a week. Six."

"Pretty much everyday then. Maybe even twice a day."

There was silence.

"It made me feel alive... Made me feel Something… I'm trying…"

"What am I going to do with you?"

More silence.

"...Why… why did you come by?"

"I wanted to see if you were ok. You looked half dead when I last saw you and then I dropped by Granny's. Ruby told me about the whole running a hospital by yourself thing. I thought I'd bring you something to eat."

"Oh… You didn't need to do that."

"Yeah well I'm glad I did." He reached down to pick up the bag he dropped. "Speaking of which you should eat."

He pulled out the plastic container that held the once perfect piece of cherry pie and slid it between the two large piles of paperwork. Funny. The only food item I'd probably take a break to eat.

"I don't deserve this."

"Don't start. I'm not giving you a choice here. You need to eat that especially after your little episode or whatever it is you want to call it."

"A 'cutting session'?" I offered with a smile void of humor.

I popped open the top of the container and he pulled out the plastic fork from the bag. I took the fork.

"You're not going to tell… are you?"

"Eat."

I obeyed slowly. Taking sips from the water bottle as the piece gradually disappeared. It felt kind of weird to have something in my stomach after so long. He sighed after I was done.

"Just what am I supposed to do here, Vic? I can't just leave you here, but with how things are going with the newest disaster I can't just take you out, can I?"

I focused my gaze on my lap. "I'm sorry…"

"I know."


	3. Chapter 3

I insisted that I'd be ok. That it would just hinder my getting to the hospital on time. But no. he said flat out that I wasn't aloud to be alone anymore since I couldn't be trusted. And so that was why I was going to be spending a lot of time at Jeffersons. Thus why I was packing a bag and he was standing behind me making sure I didn't put any questionable items in it. Nothing sharp, shiny, or jagged. It was amusing how the normally carefree if a little psycho Jefferson had his arms crossed and expression stern like an angry mother. All that was missing was him tapping his foot. Maybe a finger shake.

"Ready to go?"

I just threw the bag over my shoulder and headed down the stairs and out the door with him close behind, twirling his keys because he was stressed.

"You do realize that having to drive me to the hospital in the morning every day-"

"Get in the car."

I slipped into the passenger side and he started the car.

"I get called in at odd hours such as when I'm heading home or in the middle of the night-"

"Victor, I know what you're doing and it's not going to work."

"You just were never much of a morning person."

He didn't respond and just continued driving. I turned to look out the window.

"... Do you think people have souls?"

He spared a glance in my direction which I spotted in the window reflection. "What kind of a question is that?"

I shrugged. "Just thinking."

"All you ever do is think. You Overthink." He snorted.

"Still, do you think people have souls?"

"Yes. Don't you?"

"I was thinking that maybe saying one has a soul is just a way to define a presence… What about animals?"

"Animals?"

"Do you think animals have souls?"

"Yes."

"Do you think insects have souls?"

"... Ok you've been spending too much time alone."

"But do you think they have souls?"

"That's kind of a hard one. I never really thought about it."

"So maybe?"

"Maybe."

"Do you think plants have souls?"

"Uh… I think they have Life. I'm not sure they have souls though. Any other weird soul questions?"

"Yes. What do you think makes up a soul?"

"How should I know?"

"Hm… Do you think it's possible to lose one's soul and still be functional?"

"Victor, you have a soul." He sounded slightly irritated now.

"That's not what I asked."

"No, but that's what all that was about."

I was quiet the rest of way to his home. Once there he led me upstairs and to a bedroom. Telling me the 'make yourself at home' welcome he headed back down. I headed down after him after I was as settled as I could possibly be. Following the clink of glass I came to the kitchen. I stopped in the doorway as I watched him pour some rather expensive alcohol down the sink drain.

"What a waste." I walked up and sat at the counter.

"Well I figured if I locked it up you'd find a way to get to it eventually anyway. This is safer."

I didn't bother trying to convince him otherwise. I just watched as each bottles contents drained one at a time. The empty bottles getting set to the side. He then appeared to be counting the bottles before he pulled out a box and started collecting knives and other sharp metal items such as bottle openers.

"Going to pour that down the sink too?" I smirked and that earned me an amused half smile.

"Well at least we know your Wonderful personality is still intact." He returned.

"Che."

He picked up the box and headed out of the room. I stayed at the counter as I figured he wouldn't want me knowing where he was going to put said box. So I just sat and stared at the empty bottles. He must've been counting them so if one vanished he'd know. Just to make sure I didn't try to break it and use the shards I'm sure. However I could just as easily continue my sessions at work. I'd find a way to do what I want. I rose the dead I think I can find a way to play with some metal. I looked up as he reentered the room. Empty handed as expected.

"So I assume you haven't eaten yet?"  
\--------------------  
Dinner was quiet and neither one of us made a move to start a conversation. It wasn't really that comfortable silence that we had formed over time nor was it extremely awkward. He probably wasn't sure what I was thinking about either that or he didn't want to know since he walked in on one of my sessions. I suppose it was understandable. Everyone was always a little thrown off when one wasn't like the rest of the population. He should be glad I wasn't drowning myself in alcohol anymore, but I just might start that up again if I went too long without a session. I stayed in my own little world as I preferred to be. Just letting my mind wander wherever it pleased. That was how I got my best ideas. Trying to prepare for every kind of situation.

After said silent dinner I spent my time in front of a window. The wood was more or less silent and very dark. Quiet yet peaceful. At least here it was. It kind of reminded me of the never ending dark that was my world of black and white. Sad really. Now that I was familiar with color would I be able to handle going back to that intense dark? Here if there was any uncertainty I could turn on a light and see into every shadow that was. There light did next to nothing. Never reaching into the intense darkness. Never revealing if anything was actually in those shadows or not. Fear never drowned out. Could I handle it now that access to light had softened me?

"Not thinking of running already, are you?"

"Not quite. I was just thinking of how much quieter it is out here."

"Yeah it's always like this. Darker too without lights from the town, but I find it nice."

"You'd think after being stuck out here with no one for so long you'd hate it."

"Now that everyone remembers and I can leave it's not so bad."

"Well you don't have to deal with people out here. Less stress I suppose."

"Well yeah until kids dared to come up here ring the doorbell and run away."

"Trade offs." I shrugged. "Well I should get to bed. See you tomorrow."

"Night." He called as I headed up the stairs.  
\--------------------------------  
Back to running back and forth. I suppose I should be thankful I got that quiet night at Jeffersons, but that didn't help me now. The waiting room was pretty packed. Much like yesterday and so many days before. I stopped on the way to check on the patients that were stuck here for an actual reason. I bet I could clear out half the waiting area. That would give me some more time.

"Who here is here for a runny nose and or headache?" I called into the room and several hands went up. "Ok. It's a Cold. Go home and take some cold medicine. The rest of you, someone qualified will see you momentarily."

I went back to my rounds. I bet that lowered my likability. Again. My actions would no doubt spread in such a small, but packed town. Oh well. how much lower could I sink anyway?

I went back to my rounds. By noon I was aching to have another session. So I headed for my office. I stopped when I opened the door. Jefferson was sitting in my chair with a book. He looked up.

"Hey." He grinned.


	4. Chapter 4

I should have known. Relax. Just go with it. Don't give it away.

"You're in my chair."

"Yes. I am."

"Get out of it."

"Why? I think I like it."

"Well if you want to sit in it then you can play doctor and do my paperwork for me."

I dropped the newest stack in the empty space on the desk. Making sure to hold it high enough where it would make a sound when I dropped it.

"Getting up."

"That's what I thought."

I took my place in said chair as he walked around and sat himself back in the only other chair in the room. So he was going to babysit me. That's how this was going to work, huh? Well this was just one little setback. One so easily taken care of. I just had to take the time to think of a way around it. I was the genius of Gothic literature from what that boy Henry said once and I couldn't agree more. I'd show him what the obsessive college genius was capable of. Actually no. He'd never know and I'd have a fun little secret to share with me and me alone.

I stretched my arms above my head before I started leafing through the papers. After all it would look suspicious if I didn't do any paperwork now. So now I had to do it. Page by page it seemed to be more and more evident that I needed one of my sessions. That nagging desire for that excited obsessive emotion that I hadn't felt since my experiments with the dead was growing more and more frequent. But how could something that gave me my will to live back be so bad?

"Not going to eat anything?"

I looked up so see the Hatter studying me.

"I actually have a chance to put a dent in this paperwork. I'm not going to waste it."

He said nothing though his eyes told that he was disapproving. I went back to work without a second thought on the matter. I survived off only the occasional meal back then when I had my obsession with raising the dead and I could do it now. An hour or so later and I was back to running. I Really needed one of my sessions. If only I could find the time. If only I could find a place that I could do it safely. Come on. Use that brain that you're so proud of. THINK. It's the only thing you're good at so do it.

Several halls, many annoying patients, and a multitude of insults that were spoke under breath later and I got my idea while I was with a patient.

"Well, Mrs. Sanders, it seems to be a minor fracture. You'll just have to wear a sling for a few weeks. You should be fine as long as you don't try and use your left arm."

I headed out the door again. Home. I nearly stopped. My home wasn't too far from here. So maybe if I just slipped out I could make a trip there and back. However if I vanished now it would be too risky. As it was nearing the end of the day that wouldn't give me much time. However if I could slip away during the day, just for a little while… Yes. Perfect. Tomorrow. I'd leave tomorrow. I grinned. I just had to figure out the best time to slip out. I could make it.

"Doctor Wale!" One of the nurses called.

Certainly I could figure out my plan tonight. Now I had to fix someones elses problem. Funny how I, Victor, used to like helping these desperate people, how things change.  
\-----------------------  
I lay back in the bed in my loaned room. The morning hours were always chaotix, but nights were worse. Especially fridays and saturdays. Yet noon was impossible. What with how Jefferson had told me he'd be bringing me lunch from now on when we were halfway to his house. Good news is malnutrition would no longer be a factor of any dizziness or nausea. However when exactly would be the best time for me to leave? Morning yet before noon seemed to be my best bet. I guess I'd just have to experiment with times to find out what factors would be a problem and what worked. Either that or I could just leave in the middle of the night and walk back to the hospital saying I wanted to get more work done. Na. I was Frankenstein and I didn't make stupid moves. That could go one of two ways. One he would start guarding the door by sleeping on the couch or he could start locking me in. Both of those would provide a problem if the need did arise where I needed to get away from here. The morning hours it was even with all of the unknown factors.  
\--------------------------  
I continued to glance at the clocks as I passed them. 6:45. Too early. 7:36. Too busy. 8:24. Still busy, but less than before. If I left now that would give me a little less that four hours to myself. Four hours to get there and get back. Everyone could make due without me for a while. No major disasters seemed to be taking place after all. So shedding my doctors coat I exited through one of the side doors just in case. Then continued toward my home at a swift pace. People watched me go by with the fearful and disgusted looks that I was used to by now. I mentally rejoiced when my home came into view. Pulling the key from my pocket I entered.

I breathed in and instantly felt lighter. Safer. I could breathe again. I headed into the kitchen and opened the silverware drawer. I froze. Every knife and sharp items were missing.

"No."

When did he- I started searching the kitchen for anything I could use. Then the house. Tearing through drawers and the backs of cupboards and closets with increasing urgency.

"No. No! No no no! No!"

My desperate search slowed and I found myself back in the kitchen where I collapsed into a chair in defeat. That was when I noticed the dull blue sticky note by the flower vase with the now wilting flowers. I picked it up. Written in black ink and neat cursive read:

'Nice try'

I slammed it on the counter. "Dammit!"

I could practically hear the cocky note in his voice. That smirk that shouted arrogance. That devious bastard.


	5. Chapter 5

I was going to figure this out. I figured everything out. That was me. I was not going to show up by him. Not by anyone. I was what people were afraid was hiding in the darkness. I was a monster and as a monster I was going to get my way one way or another or die trying. But how? Jefferson was in the damn way. He was always in the way. No matter where I went or what I did he always seemed to show up. Always seemed to have been there before I could get there. Always one step ahead or two or five for all I knew and it was pissing me off. It was not right.

"Victor."

I looked up, blinking several times to make sure it wasn't in my head.

"What?" I asked after there was a long moment of silence.

He didn't say anything for a moment and that just made me paranoid that this obstacle had somehow burrowed into my life enough that I had a voice in my head that sounded like him like Elizabeth had at one point before her death. Elizabeth's voice was always chiding me on my habits when I was digging up graves or doing something of that nature and then she died and the voice went away. Don't get me wrong. I had been devastated when she passed.

"You just looked like you were thinking about something you shouldn't be." Came the delayed reply and I felt some relief. Not my head then. Thank God.

I opened and closed my hand as I seemed to have been clenching it for awhile. The tenseness and the slight burning sensation of where my nails had dug in was rather irritating. It also seemed like I had chewed a raw spot on the inside of my cheek. Damn unwanted habits.

"What do you mean by that?"

"You were thinking of doing something stupid."

Stupid? That was rather offensive.

"Was not."

He didn't bother responding, but it was obvious he didn't believe me. He went back to sticking the needle in the hat. He thought what I was doing was stupid and here he was sitting on the couch making who knew how many bloody hats a day. I swore he was doing it in front of me on purpose. That needle could easily be put to better use. I ended up just watching the needle weave in and out of the fabric. Pulling it together. Darkness crawling into the depths. A light flash. Leathery work and rubbery feeling work coming together. Fitting together so easily like it was made to be that way. Perfection. Another flash to give me a brief look at what I was making in depth. The excitement. The adrenaline. What a rush. Heart pounding. Hands working. Sweat crawling swiftly down. The blade and the needle working in perfect harmony like they were meant to be. Beautiful metal. Carving through even the toughest of flesh and fabrics. The needle curving around the blade with ease. Another flash. Almost done. If they wanted a monster I'd give them one. Monster. Monster… a splash of red. Color? Where did that come from? It overflowed each and every cut I made. I slashed more. It oozed out, but it soon faded away like it had never been there before. The color gone. Slash. nothing. Slash. Slash. Come on. Come on. Where is it? I hissed as a burning sensation bite my arm. I quickly pulled back my sleeve. When did I cut my… red. Trickling out like a gentle stream. Calm. Warm. Sweet. Not enough. There was no question to what needed to be done. I brought the contaminated blade to my arm. More red. Silver dancing easily on flesh. Enticing the red to come out. Back and forth in a zigzaging pattern like an amuature violinist as-

"Stop it."

"Stop what?" I asked immediately when I came back to reality.

"Whatever you're thinking about, stop."

I frowned. "I don't know what you mean."

"Right. Of course not."  
\----------------------  
This was irritating. Everything was irritating. Why did he have to follow me around all the bloody time? I just wanted the pain to stop. The stress to stop crushing me. The looks of disgust to stop burning into my back whenever I walked by. That was it. I just needed a little time to myself. I needed something that could help me escape and accept who I was rather than just endure it. I felt pride in my ability to endure and keep moving on no matter what happened and then when I got here things started going downhill. I had no shadows to hide in anymore. I was exposed all the time. I just wanted one shadow to hide in. Just for a little while. But no. This world didn't have dark enough shadows. So I had to find another way to cope and now that was being denied as well.

I was struggling and I hated it. I couldn't get to anything. Nothing that I could use. Everything was rushed. Moving too quickly for me to grasp. How was I supposed to think with all this chaos?! My thoughts were erratic. Jumping from one idea to the next faster than even I could register. I couldn't pin anything down. I hadn't been moving this fast in I don't know how long. I couldn't bloody control it. I needed- I needed- I don't know what I needed, but it needed to happen soon. I couldn't keep doing this. I was losing it. I was freaking losing it! I needed an obsession so I could concentrate on something. Something that wasn't everyone else and their freaking- bloody- fucked up- Dammit!

I couldn't freaking THINK! I was fidgety and snappish and on edge and- and- and then something clicked.

I was going about this the wrong way. This was not the way I should be doing things. Why was I so intent on leaving the hospital and sneaking around? This was my hospital. This was my territory. My little vision of the needle… Why was I so stupid? I should have thought of this awhile ago. This just proved how on edge I was and how much I needed it to think.

All I needed to do was be a little patient. That was it. I just needed to wait for a little while longer and then everything would be fine. When I got my cue I was off down the hall faster than I had ever been before. I never felt so- so free before. I just had to wait a little longer and I would have what I wanted.

The surgery was rather simple and didn't take very long. I stuck behind and began cleaning.

"You girls can go. I'll clean this up. I need some quiet to think."

They left swiftly, obviously happy about getting out of the clean up work. Once I was sure they were gone I locked the door and cleaned off the blade that I was going to use. I couldn't afford any interruptions this time. I sat against the wall and practically yanked my sleeves down.

Panic.

They were fading. I needed to fix this Now. Taking the blade I pressed against my right arm as starting with my shakier arm was common sense. I couldn't risk having my left screw up after all due to blood loss.

Lovely familiar crimson slipped down my arm. The warmth like the embrace of an old friend. Everything was falling into place again. The sweet burn of the metal. It was like I was finally waking up after so long. I was coming out of a nightmare. This was the only time that light was welcomed. It made the crimson shimmer and shine more beautifully than the water itself on a warm summer day. For the briefest moment I felt happy. Complete. No longer a failure. What everyone said no longer mattered in that one moment. Each cut brought me a new rush. A new wave of emotion that I thought I had lost somewhere along the harsh unforgiving path that was life. I drew in a breath and let it out slowly. Just for a moment everything was perfect. I could play their games and endure their comments just for a little while longer.

When I left that room I was in a much better mood. I went on the rounds that I delayed before heading back to my office to do the paperwork that I had been putting off for the last few hours or so. I didn't say a word to my stalker as I started going through the papers at a much faster pace than I had felt like going since Jefferson caught me. I could feel him eyeing me with suspicion, but for once I didn't give a damn. I had retraced and saved the outline of my being and nothing was going to ruin the high I was feeling at the moment.

"You seem to be in a better mood."

"Hm…" I kept my focus for once in what felt like an eternity and set the packet of papers into my 'done' pile.

"So what exactly happened in the time you were out?"

"Work."

I could tell how much calmer I was. It felt good to be in control again.

"Really, because I didn't think work would put you such a good mood."

"Better mood, huh? How exactly would you figure that?"

"Well for one you're not snapping at me for distracting you." He waited a moment before continuing. "You're not fidgeting anymore either. Nor is your expression fixed into a scowl."

"Well excuse me for feeling better after a close call." I lied smoothly.

"What close call?"

"Guy almost died in surgery today. I don't lose people and that almost tarnished everything I worked for to become a doctor."

He seemed to be thinking over the lie I told. Though the suspicion didn't seem to fade he didn't say another word on the subject.


	6. Chapter 6

I lay back, just grinning at the words imbedded into my skin, my flesh, my being. I hadn't felt this happy in a long while. I shifted to trace the sensitive words with my fingertips. The little jolt and pricks of pain reminding me that I was still alive. That as long as I had this I could keep going. These words, these truths were a part of me now and with them it no longer hurt. As long as they were a part of me I was invulnerable to it all. I was in my element again. I didn't need my shadows from my world. I didn't need all that darkness if I could just make the attacks a part of me. I was safe again. I spent my night poking at the red cuts, relishing in what I was and all the power that came with it before sleeping soundly and contently for the first time in what felt like forever. I met my mirror with a smile the next morning.  
\--------------------------  
Things were so simple once again even with Jefferson watching my every move. I was in control. I was back in power and it felt right. I grinned at nothing and I'm sure everyone was thinking I killed someone or I was crazier than usual. But who cared? I was me again. I felt so much better. This was my life and all I had to do to keep it in order and myself happy was to engrave who I was into myself. I bet no one else could get an instant relief so quickly or perk up from anger and maybe depression like I could. I bet none of them were as content and happy as I was. I didn't need friends or relationships like those simple minded creatures did. All I needed was metal. I didn't even need to be someone in danger to get at my metal ally. This was my hospital. I could go anywhere and do anything I pleased. No one was going to stop me and even if they wanted to they wouldn't have the nerve. I nearly laughed at the thought. I was in such a good mood.

I had power. I had control. And it felt amazing. Any time I needed my release I had it. Anytime of the day and it was mine. It was always there. Beautiful crimson and silver were mine to play with and manipulate as I pleased and there was nothing that Jefferson could do about it. He thought he could outsmart me, but in the end I was still superior. My intellect that overtook my college professors who tried to guide me and in the end try and restrain my accomplishments. My dreams. I was superior to them so what made that crazed hatter think he could do?

I would not bend to his will. I would not bend to anyones. I was in control and there was nothing anyone could do to stop me. I mean why would they even want to? Something that gave me so much happiness, something that took away my stress, something so simple that gave me back my emotions and my life couldn't be bad.

And with that I eagerly traced over the lines on my left arm. It felt right. It felt like nothing would be wrong again. Like I was safe. Like the world had stopped and it was just me. Just me with my favorite past time in a dark world full of poison. Poison that I was immune from if for just a short time as long as I took the antidote that I had created myself.

Everything was perfect. I just lay in the afterglow of the rush of adrenaline and emotion. Loving the way I felt whole again. I didn't need anyone. I just needed this. This was the second time I had come for another dose of my cure. It felt even better the second time. The more flesh I cut the better I felt about not only myself, but the world of shadow and doubt I lived in. I slowly cleaned up the blood and patched the fresh cuts up before I walked out into the hall with an even brighter grin.

People were giving me weird looks, but I ignored it. I ignored the comments on my mood. I ignored the stares. I ignored it all. I had control and power and they had nothing. That insane urge to laugh rose up again. It felt so familiar, but this wasn't my world and I wasn't in my lab in solitude so I couldn't, but the feeling stayed with me. The feeling that I had accomplished something amazing and not anyone could stop me. Not the nurses. Not the people in the town. Not Jefferson.

I entered my office and returned to the desk. He looked up at me and that look than told me he knew I was doing it again was ever present on his face. That look that told me that he was thinking of some way that he could stop me. However he couldn't and that just made that urge to laugh come back. I was free. He knew, but couldn't prove it. He knew, but couldn't stop me. I just barely held back the snicker.

"Hello, Jefferson. Pleasant day, isn't it?" My smile was bright with the power and control I had regained.

"Yes…"

The reply was drawn out and his voice at a slightly lower pitch than normal and he was studying me with a look of determination and slight irritation.

"How were your rounds?"

His voice was accusing, but I answered without missing a beat. "Perfect. No complications and no delays."

I enjoyed the familiar pain and tugging on the inside of my arm as my pen began to dance across the page much like the blade had my flesh to create a river of blood. He said nothing more, but kept staring at me.

"Is there something wrong?"

"You've been looking a little paler the last few days or so."

"Well it is getting colder out. I guess the lack of sun is doing more damage than I thought. Well being a little pale never hurt anyone."

"Hmnn… I suppose that depends on how they became that way."

"Are you implying something? Well I assure you that even though I come from a land of monsters and darkness I'm not a vampire or a zombie."

"... Doesn't your arm hurt?"

"I think you need to brush up on your gothic literature. Vampires bite their victims neck."

"Victor, you know exactly what I'm talking about so just knock the act. Why are you doing it anyway? No nevermind. Bad question. Why would you go to cutting? Doesn't the pain bother you? Why would you think it was a good idea to take a knife and cut yourself? You are a doctor so you should know that cuts are Bad. Losing blood is Bad. Pain in general is Bad. You spend all your time easing others pain so why would you inflict pain on yourself?"

Yeah and what did I ever get in return for getting rid of their pain?

"But I'm not cutting. You've made sure I couldn't, remember?"

"I know for a fact that you are. Someone doesn't just go from one extreme to the other emotion wise like that." He snapped his fingers.

"So? Why would that prove that I'm cutting? You know I'm mentally unstable."

He didn't seem amused.

"Let me see your arm." He held out his hand after a moment of staring me down. My smile fell.

"No. I'm not about to encourage these ideas that you're getting in your head. If you want to spend all your time in a fantasy world then daydream somewhere else or fix that hat of yours and disappear."


	7. Chapter 7

Things have been rather quiet for the past few days. Jefferson hasn't spoken a word to me ever since our… stand off. He wouldn't even look at me half the time and I thought that he was finally going to release me. Hope rose in my chest the longer it went on. I was free to do what I pleased without worry of him watching me and it felt great. However the freedom didn't last. He was walking beside me on my rounds now. He didn't respond when I asked him what he was doing or why he was following me. Even if I told him he couldn't enter certain areas with me he followed anyway without a word. I couldn't do a damn thing again and it was frustrating. When someone who needed surgery finally turned up I was ecstatic only to find that after the surgery when I let the nurses go so I could be alone Jefferson came in the minute they left. I felt trapped.

I walked at various paces and attempted to slip out of one area and into another without notice in my efforts to escape him only to find that all my efforts were in vain. Why wouldn't he just leave me alone? I was so close to snapping at him. So close to doing something I knew would give me away. I was back to pacing and having zero focus. I felt like I was suffocating. I heard every comment. Felt every look on my back.

And thus why I was glaring down Jefferson. Jefferson remained unintimidated. Just sitting in the chair across from my desk with a book in his lap. He stared back at me. His expression rather calm. I swore he was mocking me though that may just be due to my mental state. I was rather defensive and on edge after all. No. He was mad that I insulted him. That I outsmarted him so he was intent on pissing me off. Intent on harming me in the only way he could without breaking the law. He was with them. All of them were in on this. Every single one. They knew I found a way to be happy. They didn't want a monster like me to be happy so they sent Jefferson to stop me. To make me miserable. Him meeting me on the street that day was no accident. He was waiting to just walk in on me and see what was making me happy so he could prevent it. Ruby hadn't said a word to him.

My glare darkened. Jefferson just blinked lazily. Everything about him was setting me on edge. Irritating me. Making me crave the pain and sweet blood all the more. The look in his eyes was cocky. A challenge. A challenge to beat him and I would. His challenge was accepted. I would not stand for defeat. I would win. I would do it in a neat manner. I'd find an opening and I would use it. Defeat was not an option. This world was killing me so it was only a matter of time before I cracked. I needed my blades.

And so the game was on. I was trying much harder to lose him. However I wasn't being obvious. Instead I was making it look like I had given up. My gaze set on the floor though I was extremely aware of where Jefferson was at all times. My pace slower than normal. I completed the pathetic act with a dull voice and a slight drag in my steps. I'd win this game yet.

I fell back into the passenger seat and fixed my gaze out the window. The familiar silence didn't bother me in the slightest. I watched as the buildings turned into trees. A blur of green and brown. I didn't find it as soothing as I once had once upon a time. Instead it was just a reminder that I was trapped like a damn rat. I drew in a breath and let it out. I needed him to let his guard down, but would I hold out that long? I rubbed at my wrists absent mindedly. No pinpricks. No tugging. It was disturbing. I felt a slight panic rise within me, but I quickly crushed it. I was not going to fail. He'd let his guard down and I'd use even the smallest moment for all it was worth.

"... Want to talk?"

"No." I kept my voice dull and even.

"It might help."

I didn't give a response. I opted to chewing the inside of my cheek.

"You won't be able to fully break your little habit until you deal with what drove you to it and talking is the best way to figure it out."

"You're not Dr. Hopper, you know."

"No, but maybe you should see him some time. I'm sure he can figure out your problem faster than I can."

"My only problem is you."

He sighed. "You do know that you're addicted, right?"

"Che. You can believe what you want."

"I'm just trying to help you."

"Liar." I whispered to myself.

"What?"

"Nothing."

It was quiet for a moment.

"I just want to help." He breathed and I didn't respond.  
\-------------------------  
This was it. He was looking out the window. I slipped out the door and I bolted. I made several turns and ducked into a supply closet by a bathroom. The bathroom was too obvious so the closet was my only option. Not the best place, but beggars can't be choosers so I'd have to deal with and I was happy to do so. Pulling the familiar blade from my pocket I yanked my sleeves back and got to work right away. Each letter fit into my flesh perfectly. Each letter I finished left a feeling of accomplishment. Of freedom and life and- the door opened. Jefferson looked irritated yet again.

He wasted no time in grabbing my wrist and pulling me out. The hall was still abandoned much to my relief. I said nothing as he dragged me into the bathroom. He checked the place out quick before locking the door. At that he forced my arm under the water before taking the blade. It was a regretfully familiar cycle. Now I had another word to add to my arm. Failure.

After the cuts were taken care of I sat with my back to the cold wall. Jefferson looked down on me with a look I'm sure meant nothing good for me. I failed. I freaking failed. How had he found me? Was I that obvious? That predictable? How I have fallen. I needed to work harder. I needed to be better. I couldn't keep losing to someone like Jefferson.

"Victor."

I jumped at the hand on my arm. I looked up. Was he talking? Something told me he was and he was not in the mood for my 'spacing out' as he called it.

"We're going home." He spoke rather harsh and deliberately.

"Huh?"

"Get up. We're going now."

"I-"

"I'm pulling you out like I planned before. Unless it's an emergency you're staying home with me."

His tone left no room for argument, but I tried anyway.

"I can't just-"

"You just don't seem to get it. I've had enough of this little game. I'm not going to let you do this anymore."

"You have no right to interfere with My life."

"I do if you're depressed enough to harm yourself."

"I'm not depressed."

"Really. Diagnose yourself. Your view of reality is warped. You go from happy to sad and angry faster than anyone who is mentally healthy. You're thinking many negative things about yourself if what you're writing on your wrists are anything to go by. You've lost all interest in any hobbies you had before. You wouldn't be eating or sleeping if I wasn't forcing you. Look at that and tell me those aren't symptoms of depression."

"What the hell do you care for anyway?"

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "You're my friend, Vic." His tone was softer, but that didn't stop me.

"Monsters don't have Friends."

"Well it's a good thing you're not a monster then."

I glared at him, but he didn't seem affected just like all the other times.

"Now come on. I'll make some tea and we'll watch a movie."


	8. Chapter 8

The ride back had been awkward. I hadn't even bothered to make an attempt to slip upstairs into the room I had been forced to take as I knew I'd be dragged back down so I chose a spot on the couch while he went to make tea. Needless to say I wasn't interested in whatever he had taken the time to put on. I found it irritating that he found that he needed to sit so close to me. So I had turned away as much as I could. He didn't make a comment. I didn't touch the cooling cup before me. I didn't even know what movie was playing as I took to staring out the window again instead of watching. I rubbed at my wrist to feel the letters. The tug. The one that held me to reality. I nearly jumped as I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked up into Jeffersons face.

"Don't."

Just that single word stirred my anger again, but I didn't act on emotions like that very often. So I simply turned away again to glare out the window. He sighed, but said nothing more. Each time I even went to touch my arm he'd tap me or say a one word warning. I muttered something incoherent at some point and he really didn't seem to care. I glanced over at the screen as a scream of fear broke the silence and the boring dialog. It was then the alien creature looked toward the girl. Of course. The thing wasn't even looking at her and she just had to scream. And now she was running. Super loudly to. What an idiot. And the screen showed the shadows of the two. Blood splattered on the wall. Then more dialog about a Cindy going missing and how they needed to find her.

"And of course they split up." I muttered taking out the anger that had built up on the characters in the movie.

"Cindy sure believes Matt about something being in there with them now."

I didn't respond. I was still rather upset with him. So for a long while we didn't say anything and he didn't even try to exchange words. They all regrouped after they found what was left of Cindy. The stayed together for a good portion of time only to split up to look for the generator to get the lights back on.

"Che. The only thing they had right was staying together and then they just screwed that up."

"It's going to pick them off one by one now."

"Blondy over there is going to go first."

"No I think it's the redhead."

"Are you kidding? The scaredy cats almost always live through to the end. It's because they're so cautious."

"Yeah Almost. The redhead is done for."

"You've seen this before, haven't you?" I gave him a pointed look.  
\-------------------------  
I spent my time pacing the house which seemed to annoy Jefferson to no end, but he didn't say a word. Just let me do. He attempted to talk with me several times, but I just gave a huff or some half answer that really didn't mean anything. Like a 'meh' or a 'mn' type thing. He didn't press. Just kept watching whenever I passed him. Each day felt as if it was dragging on more than the last. I was back to square one again. Just because this hatter thought he could 'help' me when all he did was make things worse. I mean if it was keeping me grounded then why was it so bad?

At some point Jefferson had decided that he needed to head into town. I waved him off half heartedly to let him know I heard him. Then I turned to continue my pacing only to have my arm caught.

"And where do you think you're going? You're coming with me."

"Why?"

"Because you can't be trusted alone, remember? So lets go."

"What the hell do you think I'm going to do here?"

"Vanish into the woods. Start the house on fire. Search from the box of sharp items I hid. Stuff like that. So lets go before things get too crowded."

And of course he would act like that was the most normal sentence in the world. I stared at him with an unamused expression for a while before I complied with a huff.

I kept my gaze anywhere besides Jefferson as he dragged me along. The trip felt far longer than I'm sure it was as he chatted with people. I stayed at as far as a distance as I could. When we finally got back I helped carry things in without a word before I fled his presence. Who the hell did he think he was?

It was slightly calmer today. Jefferson had taken to giving me space over the last couple of days which I was grateful for. Although without the distraction that little nagging feeling had come back full force. The feeling that something was wrong and needed to be fixed. So without my release I continued to pace and search for something to distract myself with. Though when I paced Jefferson had taken to following me about or at least being near the area to make sure I wasn't looking for the box he hid I'm sure. Then I fell back into my old habits. One that really wasn't working, but it had been worth a shot. All I did was stare at the pages as I couldn't focus with that constant nagging.

"What are you reading?"

"None of your damn business by Back the fuck off."

"Well that sounds interesting." He snorted sarcastically before starting off.

At that I kind of felt like I was missing out on something. Though that feeling was drowned out by the urge before it even started.  
\----------------------  
"What?" I asked into the phone sparing a glance at the clock. 1.34am. "Wait wait- what? What? Ok- I- I'm coming I'm coming. I'll be there as soon as I can. Just keep- yes yes keep feeding in blood. Try and- yes that. I'll be there soon. As soon as I can. Yes."

During the phone call I had practically fallen out of bed and fought my way into something halfway decent. Though that wasn't of much concern to me as I was completely focused on what was being told to me. Car wreck, then car crushed by whatever beast had been prancing through town on a lovely little rampage that I for once didn't have the chance to witness. Two adults and one child injured in the wreck. One of which suffered intense injuries and from what I was hearing they couldn't stop the bleeding.

And so I was sprinting down the stairs. I heard Jefferson say something as I jumped the last four. No doubt he was wondering what the hell I was doing.

"We need to go! Now!"

He seemed confused and I was quickly more frustrated than I have been since he stopped me last that he wasn't acting.

"Life or death! Do or die! I need to get to the hospital Now! The royals let the latest disaster prance through town and instead of stopping it they had a bloody picnic in the forest! Now wake up and tell me where your damn keys are!"

After my outburst he seemed to have woken up significantly and was following after me. At that point I was yelling at him to hurry up in German and French and any other language I could call to mind at that moment. Amazingly enough some Spanish may have slipped in there. I'd have to take the time to recall where I learned that later.

When he held the key to not only my freedom, but the life of the no doubt dying male I held out a hand for them but he passed me by. I followed without a comment. Arguing was not something I could waste time on at the moment. The car couldn't get started fast enough and the whole ride there I was fidgeting and cursing. Then I ignored the call of protest and surprise as I threw myself out of the car before it had stopped. The whole way there was a blur of me yelling at people to move and tripping over a cart once.

Then came the dreaded two hours of surgery and yelling at nurses to hold their damn positions and do what I asked them to. A large chunk of metal had punctured his shoulder and several other cuts and bumps littered his flesh to create a rainbow of bruising and blood. I remember practically threatening the unconscious patient not to die on me and they were going to live whether they wanted to or not and I think I recall yelling a 'breathe dammit' at one point. And despite the situation nurses giving me rather weird looks. Two dreadful hours of pumped in blood just spilling on the floor and nurses asking whether or not we should quit and me not taking him dying as an answer no matter how much blood was lost. No matter how many times his breathing faltered for varying amounts of time. I would not accept a death because the heroes were damn morons. Of course they were going to aim for the town. There are people in the Town not the Forest.

I swore at one point my voice was going to give out from all the yelling. It was definitely hurting. If I got hysterical aphonia- no I wasn't emotionally unstable enough for that to happen, but if I lost my voice because they were idiots then I was going to flip a switch. Scratch that I wasn't going to flip a switch I was going to flip all of them. All the chaos and then it stopped. The endless waterfall of blood stopped. The persistent erratic beeping that had been giving me a headache for the past two hours evened out. And I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding.

"Thank…" I let out another breath. "Thank God. 'bout damn time."

Blood covered myself and pretty much everyone else in the room. We just stayed where we were for a good two minutes as it all set in. Just listening to the even if shallow breathing, but that was due to lack of blood and all the stress of a two hour surgery. That could easily be fixed as long as he didn't magically reopen again. If that happened he'd probably die and everyone knows at that point I'd still fight the damn bastard and yell at him to breathe even after he was long gone. If he made me go through this again I'd drag him back from hell myself and kill him again.

"Ok… Lets… Lets get this place cleaned up and…" Cleaned up. What a laugh. This place would never be fully clean again. We'd be finding blood in random places on the floor and on the table for months. It was almost a literal bloodbath in here. "and get him somewhere we can monitor him better… I'm sure he'd appreciate to wake up on a bed and not a table anyway…"

Reluctantly everyone started moving. Damn I hated people for putting me through that. When I finally stumbled out of the room I followed along with several other nurses. Just making sure the patient didn't die again. I vaguely recalled Jefferson taking a place beside me as I and the same nurses stared at the man who had been shaking hands with death hardly ten minutes ago. Then everyone broke off and I with them. Jefferson followed behind me silently as I walked the familiar halls. Passed full rooms, carts, nurses, patients, a supply closet to the ever familiar bathroom where I promptly vomited into the tall, cheap trash can. Not because of the blood. Not because this place was full of emotional trauma. Not because I was ill. But because I was near panic the moment I got that call. Fear that he was going to die. That I was going to fail after I had promised myself that I would never let another die on me.

Jefferson set a hand on my back until I finished spilling my guts into the plastic container. Then he gripped my arm firmly enough to be steadying as he helped me to the cool tiled floor. I leaned against the just as cool wall.

"Better?"

I nodded once. Then shook my head. He slid to sit next to me. An arm draped over my shoulders as I let my face fall into my hands. Silence reigned.


	9. Chapter 9

I had lost control. Someone almost died. Could still die under my watch. I sat there with Jefferson for an extended amount of time before I finally snapped myself out of it. I forced myself up and Jefferson followed suit, only he was much steadier than I was. He was watching me rather carefully. I didn't really pay him any mind as I drew in a breath to compose myself before I headed toward the door.

"You ok?"

I stopped and spared a glance back.

"Are you sure you're up to it?"

"I have to stay." Was all I said before I continued out.

He didn't say anything more. He followed me out as I yearned for control again. The kind that put me at ease and made everything alright again. The early morning hours, despite the fact that everyone should be home and in bed, were a mess of people and cases that had me running about much like I had been before. However half the time we were sewing up wounds and removing items that shouldn't be in the flesh out. It was all in all a chaotic mess. No one really said a word out of shouting for assistance or telling others where to go. It was in that mess that I snapped. After days of pacing and hours of dreading the worst though most of the cases weren't nearly as bad as the first had been I finally broke. It was when the man that we thought we saved died. Despite my constant checking between patients and everything I did to make sure nothing could possibly go wrong, he flatlined. And no matter what I did I couldn't save him. I couldn't bring him back again. After all of my promises to myself and the unconscious patient, I failed.

After things had started to finally calm it was then I was out the door and into the street. The air was cool and welcoming compared to the hospital where I had felt like I was suffocating. I walked on. I didn't even have a place in mind that I wanted to go to. I just kept walking. The disaster that was the the town made itself known the further I walked. Whatever had been set loose really caused some damage. Big dents had taken place in the street. Buildings and homes had holes in the sides. Glass was in the streets with fallen poles. A car had somehow been impaled on a street sign. I kind of wished I could have seen that. But it was going to be one hell of a job to get that thing off.

I rubbed at my arms like I was cold as I picked up the pace though I wasn't sure why. Several times I had turned around and started walking back only to circle back and keep walking. I glanced around like I was afraid I was being followed. Like something was going to just show up and try to kill me. That was when I started taking turns at random. Four streets then turn left. Two streets then turn left again. Then right. Then another left before taking another few streets. But no matter how many corners I turned. No matter where I went I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. That there was something that was missing. Something I needed to do. Something that needed to be fixed.

No matter how far I walked I couldn't get away from that feeling. I could feel myself growing more and more desperate. Panic was starting to rise within me. I felt like I needed to cry or to shout or something. I started moving faster. I needed to do something, anything to make this feeling go away. Why wouldn't it leave me alone? Why couldn't I be free? Then my thoughts were broken apart with the musical sound of breaking glass. I was drawn to the dancing shards that scattered about the street. Of course the bar was still open at this hour and after what had happened. I watched the group stagger away from the shattered bottle they had no doubt left.

Ever so slowly I started to move. I stopped before the the shards that glimmered like embers in the slowly rising light. I slowly sunk down my knees. Then I carefully picked up a shard, but not careful enough. I dropped in with a quiet 'ow' as it left a crimson mark on my fingertip. The ever familiar pain was all I needed. All my doubts cast aside. I chose the shard before I fled the area with it to return to the ever familiar docks. It was there I pulled the shard from my pocket, panting and gasping I tore my sleeve away, pressed and dragged. The words on my arm momentarily forgotten up until the jagged line halted. I nearly hesitated, but my need to be free and in control overpowered that little urge for perfection.

I carved the letters of a new word into my flesh after a few indulgent slashes and marks. The letters were far from perfect and need. But I hardly cared. The word FAILURE drawn over the other words in far from straight lines as I grew desperate. But no matter how much I slashed the feeling wouldn't go away. The burn wouldn't cover it up. Wouldn't make it stop.

"Victor!"

I spun around at the familiar voice. "Stay away from me!"

Jefferson stopped. I'm sure the sight of the glass and all of the blood was certainly shocking though it shouldn't have. He should be used to it by now.

"Oh, Vic... " He didn't seem to know what to say.

Though silence was strong for a moment he didn't seem keen to let it stay that way.

"I can help you." No not this. "I just need you to do a little for yourself here. Just put the glass down."

I just gripped it tighter. It bit into my hand. Despite that he didn't say anything about it.

"I need you to talk to me now, ok?"

I didn't make a move nor say a word. I wasn't sure exactly how to react. That damn nagging. That damn feeling. Something was wrong. Something needed to be fixed. Something wasn't right. Wasn't how it was supposed to be. Somehow-

"Come on, Victor. Talk to me. Please talk to me. I can help."

"You don't know anything." I drew back though I wasn't sure where I was going to go. I was trapped here.

"And that's why I need you to tell me." He cautiously came closer. Just a little. He had been doing it the entire time. Slowly inching closer.

"Just leave me alone!"

"Victor, I can't do that. You need me."

"I don't need you! I don't need anyone!"

"... Ok fine. Maybe that's true, but I need you."

"You're lying!"

"You're not just hurting yourself."

"Shut up!"

"Please stop hurting my friend."

"Stop it!"

"Please stop hurting yourself."

"Just leave me alone!" My back hit the rope that lined the perr.

I looked back. Trapped. Panic. I was starting to feel lightheaded. Though with it didn't come the relief. The constant nagging stayed. The feeling of dread stayed. It all stayed. Something wasn't right. Something needed to be righted.

"Victor."

My head snapped forward. When had he gotten so close? Then I was staring wide eyed at the dock and the space beyond as I was pulled into him. And just like that everything fell apart. I broke down.


	10. Chapter 10

"It's going to be alright… You just have to let me help you…"

The embrace tightened if ever so slightly.

"I know it hurts, but you need to come to terms that you need a little help."

"... I can't."

I was struggling to stop the tears. I felt so weak. Useless.

"Sure you can. You're stronger than you think."

"I can't let it go. It's the only thing that's keeping me alive."

"You're just confused. I promise we'll get you fixed up. We'll get your life back on track."

"I don't want that. You don't understand. I don't… All I wanted was to just let go. But I felt like I was letting people down if I just gave up. It hurts and I just want to get what's expected of me over with so I can let go. It won't stop. I can't get it to stop. I need my blades, but now that's gone too and I'm back to where I started. It feels like something isn't right and I can't fix it. I can't make it stop. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm so tired and it won't stop."

"… We can fix this. It's not too late."

"You don't- I know it sounds selfish and it probably is, but I don't want to fix it. I want it to stop. I can't see it. I can't see what you see. I can't see a way out. I try, but I just can't… I just want this to end."

My wrist burned and ached in unison with my hand. The shard was bloodied and I could feel it crack near my palm as my grip tightened.

"The first step can be hard, but I'll be there to help you. I can help you get past this."

"You don't get it. All I can do is wait. I don't trust myself to take that step. I know I'll end it."

"You won't do that. You're just afraid."

"I know I won't make the right choice, Jefferson. Last time I tried I completely broke and I jumped off the dock. That nice girl Ruby was so upset so I pretended to be ok. I lied and… I don't want to pretend anymore. So I Have to wait. I have to wait for all of this to be over. For what people expect of me to pass. For it to perfect itself so I can let go. So I can rest. I'm so tired, but I have to wait. I have to."

I felt like I couldn't breathe. Explaining it just made everything so much more real. There was no way for me to handle this. I had known from the beginning and now it was so much more overwhelming. I had to face that I was fighting a losing battle and prolonging the inevitable. I couldn't win. My only relief, the only way I could escape wasn't working anymore. I was useless without it. If it still worked then maybe that man wouldn't have died. If I could focus or shake off the feeling then maybe I could have done better. I felt like I was drowning.

"You don't have to wait anymore. I'm here now. I'm here and I'm going to make it go away. You just have to trust me."

"I do trust you. It's me I don't trust. I-"

"It's alright. I won't let anything happen to you."

"You can't promise that."

"Sure I can. I won't let anything happen to you. We'll get you the help you need. Make this feeling you have go away. Everything will be alright. Ok?"

"It won't stop. It never stops."

"It'll stop. I'll make it."

"You can't-"

"I will make it stop. One way or another I'll get whatever it is to stop tormenting you. But first we need to get you back to the hospital so-"

"No! I can't! I can't go back there!"

I could feel it coming on stronger. Something needed to be fixed. I failed and I needed to fix it. I needed to do something to make up for that failure. But they'd all see. They'd all know. All the blood. The cuts. They'd know.

"I can't fix it like this! I failed! I failed and I killed someone else. I keep letting people die and-"

"Alright, alright. Calm down. If we can't go there you're going to have to let me tend to the damage at home. Decide quick. Anymore blood loss and we're going to the hospital."

"...Ok. Just… I can't go back right now."

I hiccuped as I shakily pulled away. I kept my head down.

"Vic."

I didn't dare look up.

"Give me the glass."

I took a moment, but slowly offered the bloodied piece that had once held alcohol to him. He took it from from me and a few seconds later of pathetic hiccuping and sniffling I jumped as something was pressed into my abused palm. I took a second to recognize what it was through my blurred vision. Jefferson's scarf. I looked up rather reluctantly to his waiting gaze.

"Use that to stem the bleeding."

"Your… scarf?"

"I can always get a new scarf." He guided the fabric to the slashes on my arm. "Now just hold it here until we get there."

Setting a hand on my back he led me toward the waiting car.

I kept my gaze away as he went about cleaning and stitching my more serious cuts closed though I wasn't sure why exactly.

"It's not as bad it looks. Grace had worse when she tried to pet a fox back in the enchanted forest. It got scared and bit her hand pretty hard. She's never looked at a fox the same way again."

"I'm sorry."

"No it's fine. She's got a scar, but she was alright."

"No… I mean… I just…"

"I know."

"I thought it would help. I thought it would make it stop, but... "

"I know. Now just try forget about it for now. And keep drinking. The gatorade will help replace all the blood you lost."

"I know that. I'm a doctor."

"Are you now?"

"Shut up…You're just some tea loving hat maker here."

"And what does that make you?"

"Someone of higher importance."

"Keep that up and I might stick you on purpose."

What was supposed to be light banter was very halfhearted and quiet, but it was a distraction and was welcomed. But things quieted down rather quickly much to my dismay.

"And… Done. Alright doc. How are you feeling?"

"Shakey. Tired. Dizzy."

"How about some cookies, lemon gatorade and a little TV for awhile? That should help, yeah?"

"...Ok."

"Come on. No one can be sad about cookies. Especially when they're chocolate chip."

He slowly helped me out of the bathroom and to the couch.

"Just lie down and I'll be right back, ok?"

"Ok."

He switched on the TV to show some commercial about dishwashers, because that's just what everyone wants at four in the morning. Then he tugged the rather fuzzy blanket off the back of the couch before tossing it over me. Then he was off. I turned onto my side and clutched my bandaged and stitched arm to my chest as I watched said commercial roll on. Seemed like the guy was very excited about this dishwasher he's been trying to sell for who knew how long.

I sighed through my nose tiredly. Though I couldn't force myself to relax. The little mental tick for something I couldn't grasp any longer had me fidgety and rubbing at stitching and wounds. The burn did little for me and that led to me rubbing harder and pressing on the wounds.

"Stop that."

I didn't bother looking up. Just dropped my arm. The crinkle of plastic sounded and a box of some cheap store bought cookies were held out to me. I looked them over a second before looking up.

"What? Take some."

I obeyed. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. My mental state had been damaged long before I came to this town. All in all I was so broken I deserved a mercy killing in my opinion.


End file.
